Dear Karen,
I recently came across your site and I am desperate for advice. My name is Sean, I'm a 23 year old male, and my "best" friend is a 21 year old female, and about a year ago I had fallen in love with her. I have known her for about 2.5 years and we share quite a history together. We didn't exactly hit things off right away, I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time when I met her and neither was she, but after talking for awhile and getting to know each other a lot better we eventually hooked up and slept together, and she was actually my first. What turned into a friends with benefits kind of thing actually lead her to have some feelings for me which I didn't reciprocate.
But fast forward a few months and deep down I found I had those feelings. However this time she didn't reciprocate and decided she wasn't ready for a relationship again. After confessing my feelings to her, she preferred if we just stayed best friends. I believe that's where I went wrong, instead of giving myself time to heal I fell even deeper into my attraction for her because we talked everyday. This whole situation has lead me into a few other details. I was forced to once again reveal my feelings for her back in October, but this time I was never given a clear answer. She never said yes but she also didn't say no. However it's been almost 3 months and she's been telling me about other crushes and loves she has, so I feel like I have my answer.
My second problem is now I don't know what to do about our friendship. I've been in a war with myself as to what the proper course of action is for me to do, and in trying to figure it out, I hurt her feelings on her birthday by neglecting her after promising I would make it a great night for her. She said she has forgiven me, but I still feel like it's not 100%. So I'm still trying to figure out what to do, before her birthday she initiated contact with me about 80% of the time, now we're down to me having to do it most of the time. She also has a tendency to disappear completely and just stop talking, where as when I disappear for awhile she asks why I never message her and asks me what my problem is. I'm completely torn between my love for her and the amazing friendship we have. I'm scared that if I cut her out completely things will never be the same and I'm not sure how to deal with that, but if I don't do something I'll feel like I'll never be able to completely move on.
Advice from Karen:
Dear Sean:
First let me summarize briefly how I understand things to be: You and this woman started out as friends. Good friends. Things took a turn and you became "friends with benefits," nevertheless once the sexual aspect of the relationship came into play, there was intimacy. She wanted a romantic relationship at first, you didn't. Then, you decided you loved her as more than a friend and wanted a romantic relationship, but she moved away. She is also your first experience, your "first love." It is indeed a powerful force.
Okay ... here's what I think is going on: I think both you and she are playing a classic "tug-of-war" here. The positive aspect is it sounds as though you both may be in love with each other. Now, since you were the one who initially backed away after your relationship took the turn into intimacy, you have to realize a woman's ego is fragile. Chances are no matter how stoic she appeared, or how non-chalant she played it -- she was hurt and upset. She may have played it cool on the surface, but once a woman is intimate with a man, even if she isn't wanting a deeper relationship, she still wants him to want her in a deeper relationship. Make sense? Well, yes, it's part of the feminine mystique... Women want to be desired more than they desire. If you were also her first experience, the feelings are compounded for her. A woman's first love does play an integral part in developing her sense of self as a partner.
So now you want more from the relationship and she's playing it aloof. Clearly the two of you do not want to go extended periods of time without communicating and you are both still interested in what each other does in your "away time." This indicates to me that you both have stronger feelings for each other than just friendship. I think you're both in love with each other.
Now the bad news ... the friendship will most likely never be able to set back to square one, not since the love bug bit both of you, even if it was at different times. To go back to simply being friends, without the hint or feelings of the physical attraction, would be difficult. Can it be done? Of course, but you would both have to be really upfront and honest with each other. Put the cards on the table.
My advice? I think you may need to come to terms with yourself that you are in still in love with her. If that's the case, go after her on bended knee, and wear your heart on your sleeve. It's hard being vulnerable, but there is no other way to go about being happy in love. Tell her once again you were a little confused in the beginning, but now you can't envision not having her in your life. Confess your love. Not just your friendship, your love. Remember, first loves are very powerful. Sometimes they last forever, some times they don't, but they must always be given their place in our lives. Be open with this woman. The friendship has transformed, I don't think there is a way to go back to its initial form, but you do have the opportunity to grow it into something wonderful, even if it is for this part of your life. You have more to gain and experience if you examine what the relationship might be like romantically then trying to set the point back to a platonic friendship, which would be very difficult.
Good luck Sean...This should be a wonderful time in your life, make the most of it!
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