Your question is
a very interesting one which caused me to ponder “Why do we choose the mates we do?” and “Does the mate we choose reflect how we feel about ourselves?
I believe there is a direct correlation between how we feel about ourselves at the time we set out to choose a potential mate and the person whom we attract. Most people will be drawn to a partner by an immediate physical attraction; it’s probably the most powerful initial force in any budding romantic relationship. Others will be drawn to someone with certain personality traits or lifestyle structure, which may represent things we value in life and aspire to or hope to acquire. However there are unspoken qualities in a person that will mirror our subconscious beliefs about ourselves.
You stated in your email that you were initially “disappointed” when you first met your husband. Based on that, I’m going to assume the physical attraction component was missing at the time or has been non-existent, and you chose to continue to build a relationship based on either his personality traits and/or lifestyle issues, i.e. financial security, or he exhibited signs that he might be trustworthy companion. However, the initial disappointment issue raises a red flag and indicates to me that something was missing in either they way you saw yourself or viewed your situation, causing you to think it over … deciding to go ahead with the relationship with your then boyfriend although you felt disappointment in your choice.
I believe people can and do become more attractive to us as if we have positive experiences as we get to know them. It’s a fairly common occurrence…a person who may not initially be our “cup of tea” in the realm of physical attraction can become much more attractive in our eyes after we’ve gotten to know them and become acquainted with their personalities, their ethics, their traits, their values, etc. There are countless men who don’t possess the physical allure of an Antonio Banderas, but are considered attractive in the eyes of many women because they may possess intelligence, be witty, are loving, have financial stability and the know-how of how to treat a woman.
My guess is that when you first met your husband you weren’t confident in yourself or in your ability to attract what you considered to be a more desirable man because you accepted the disappointment factor and proceeded forward. Something inside of yourself rationalized that this man was what you deserved/wanted at the time based on your internal projection. This is not to say your husband isn’t a wonderful man, hasn’t been a good spouse or isn’t attractive to other woman. He may very well be. Remember, attraction is subjective – what a person finds alluring can be very individualized.
Marriage can be challenging enough even when all the relationship-ducks are in line and there is the natural physical glue that binds many couples. Physical attraction alone cannot serve as the primary adherent in a long-term marriage since the initial passion most couples experience will settle into a more comfortable and balanced state, requiring other aspects of the relationship to contribute to its sustainability. I think the best relationships have the aspect of “emotional resurrection” … when couples are able to resurrect the feeling of why they initially fell in love and use it as an emotional-connector throughout the lifespan of the relationship.
Without knowing your ages or other factors in your marriage, I will say that I think you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to take an honest inventory of why you married him and why you have continued to stay in a relationship, a relationship whose inception was speckled with disappointment. There’s no shame in truthfulness – many couples stay together for a myriad of reasons other than “being in love”… they may be fully committed to raising their family together or may be fear being alone, or cannot take on the financial responsibility of being on their own. They’re all valid reasons, however if the primary reason for staying in a relationship is one other than the fact that you truly enjoy and love each other, it takes more of a concerted effort to balance the relationship and help avoid the pitfalls of what could turn easily turn into a miserable situation. Relationships can work on many different levels, but the common denominator is to value the relationship for what it is, and for both parties to do their best in being the best companion they can.
No matter how well developed our self-esteem is, the fact is who we can attract as a partner shifts throughout our lifetime, according to our age and life circumstances. The same man or woman who may have been attracted to us at the age of 30 may not be attracted to us at the age of 50, for any number of reasons. When deliberating whether to leave their current relationship, I would advise anyone to consider a “grass may not be greener” scenario. We’ve all heard stories of spouses who become disenchanted with their marital relationship, only to leave their spouse for their paramours and realize that all that glittered was not gold, leaving them regretful and with hopes of a marital reconciliation.
Scientists have done numerous studies on what attracts and keeps people in love with each other. While opposites may attract and contribute to an exciting relationship, more often it’s those with whom we share a more equal level of attributes in terms of physical attractiveness, intelligence and socio-economic levels who make the best pairings. In simpler terms: We are most attracted to people who are most like us.
If you feel as though you settled, you most likely did. I think the bigger question now becomes “Did you grow into the relationship?” Has he proven to be a decent mate? Did your feelings grow for him in any positive way? If you are answering no to those questions, the relationship is most likely in a precarious position. Moreover, how is your self-esteem now, at this stage in life? Do you truly believe you deserve someone more compatible with you? Do you believe you have a lot to offer the right man?
Unless your relationship is miserable, on emotional life-support or in any way abusive (either verbally or physically) I would advise not to take any drastic leaps, especially if you have been married for awhile and children are involved. Continue to be a role model for your children, helping them to develop their sense of self-worth and steer them towards choosing a partner with whom they feel most mirrors themselves in positive ways.
There are a few things I believe to be true – we’re the sum of our choices, we’re given free will and timing, as they say, is everything. Faith, hope and wisdom are touchstones of happiness. If you truly believe you are not experiencing your best in life, seek it out.
Then again, what does it really boil down to? Woody Allen may have summed it up best when he was asked to justify why he left Mia Farrow for her adopted daughter, his then-girlfriend and current wife, and famously replied … “The heart wants what the heart wants.”
I believe there is a direct correlation between how we feel about ourselves at the time we set out to choose a potential mate and the person whom we attract. Most people will be drawn to a partner by an immediate physical attraction; it’s probably the most powerful initial force in any budding romantic relationship. Others will be drawn to someone with certain personality traits or lifestyle structure, which may represent things we value in life and aspire to or hope to acquire. However there are unspoken qualities in a person that will mirror our subconscious beliefs about ourselves.
You stated in your email that you were initially “disappointed” when you first met your husband. Based on that, I’m going to assume the physical attraction component was missing at the time or has been non-existent, and you chose to continue to build a relationship based on either his personality traits and/or lifestyle issues, i.e. financial security, or he exhibited signs that he might be trustworthy companion. However, the initial disappointment issue raises a red flag and indicates to me that something was missing in either they way you saw yourself or viewed your situation, causing you to think it over … deciding to go ahead with the relationship with your then boyfriend although you felt disappointment in your choice.
I believe people can and do become more attractive to us as if we have positive experiences as we get to know them. It’s a fairly common occurrence…a person who may not initially be our “cup of tea” in the realm of physical attraction can become much more attractive in our eyes after we’ve gotten to know them and become acquainted with their personalities, their ethics, their traits, their values, etc. There are countless men who don’t possess the physical allure of an Antonio Banderas, but are considered attractive in the eyes of many women because they may possess intelligence, be witty, are loving, have financial stability and the know-how of how to treat a woman.
My guess is that when you first met your husband you weren’t confident in yourself or in your ability to attract what you considered to be a more desirable man because you accepted the disappointment factor and proceeded forward. Something inside of yourself rationalized that this man was what you deserved/wanted at the time based on your internal projection. This is not to say your husband isn’t a wonderful man, hasn’t been a good spouse or isn’t attractive to other woman. He may very well be. Remember, attraction is subjective – what a person finds alluring can be very individualized.
Marriage can be challenging enough even when all the relationship-ducks are in line and there is the natural physical glue that binds many couples. Physical attraction alone cannot serve as the primary adherent in a long-term marriage since the initial passion most couples experience will settle into a more comfortable and balanced state, requiring other aspects of the relationship to contribute to its sustainability. I think the best relationships have the aspect of “emotional resurrection” … when couples are able to resurrect the feeling of why they initially fell in love and use it as an emotional-connector throughout the lifespan of the relationship.
Without knowing your ages or other factors in your marriage, I will say that I think you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to take an honest inventory of why you married him and why you have continued to stay in a relationship, a relationship whose inception was speckled with disappointment. There’s no shame in truthfulness – many couples stay together for a myriad of reasons other than “being in love”… they may be fully committed to raising their family together or may be fear being alone, or cannot take on the financial responsibility of being on their own. They’re all valid reasons, however if the primary reason for staying in a relationship is one other than the fact that you truly enjoy and love each other, it takes more of a concerted effort to balance the relationship and help avoid the pitfalls of what could turn easily turn into a miserable situation. Relationships can work on many different levels, but the common denominator is to value the relationship for what it is, and for both parties to do their best in being the best companion they can.
No matter how well developed our self-esteem is, the fact is who we can attract as a partner shifts throughout our lifetime, according to our age and life circumstances. The same man or woman who may have been attracted to us at the age of 30 may not be attracted to us at the age of 50, for any number of reasons. When deliberating whether to leave their current relationship, I would advise anyone to consider a “grass may not be greener” scenario. We’ve all heard stories of spouses who become disenchanted with their marital relationship, only to leave their spouse for their paramours and realize that all that glittered was not gold, leaving them regretful and with hopes of a marital reconciliation.
Scientists have done numerous studies on what attracts and keeps people in love with each other. While opposites may attract and contribute to an exciting relationship, more often it’s those with whom we share a more equal level of attributes in terms of physical attractiveness, intelligence and socio-economic levels who make the best pairings. In simpler terms: We are most attracted to people who are most like us.
If you feel as though you settled, you most likely did. I think the bigger question now becomes “Did you grow into the relationship?” Has he proven to be a decent mate? Did your feelings grow for him in any positive way? If you are answering no to those questions, the relationship is most likely in a precarious position. Moreover, how is your self-esteem now, at this stage in life? Do you truly believe you deserve someone more compatible with you? Do you believe you have a lot to offer the right man?
Unless your relationship is miserable, on emotional life-support or in any way abusive (either verbally or physically) I would advise not to take any drastic leaps, especially if you have been married for awhile and children are involved. Continue to be a role model for your children, helping them to develop their sense of self-worth and steer them towards choosing a partner with whom they feel most mirrors themselves in positive ways.
There are a few things I believe to be true – we’re the sum of our choices, we’re given free will and timing, as they say, is everything. Faith, hope and wisdom are touchstones of happiness. If you truly believe you are not experiencing your best in life, seek it out.
Then again, what does it really boil down to? Woody Allen may have summed it up best when he was asked to justify why he left Mia Farrow for her adopted daughter, his then-girlfriend and current wife, and famously replied … “The heart wants what the heart wants.”
