Speak up for your relationship

I recently sat in on a group chat with women discussing their relationships with the men in their lives, and the loss of trust and emotional abuse they were experiencing.  Most of us have experienced a painful love relationship at one point in our lives and hindsight becomes our greatest teacher.  How can we, as women, identify certain pitfalls before we invest ourselves emotionally?  There are many thoughts on the subject, but I’d like to address a few truths that seemed to be in the forefront of my recent conversation:

We teach people how to treat us.  We teach – by what we are willing to accept – people how they may treat us.  If you accept any type of poor behavior (lying, cheating, or any other behavior you deem unacceptable) for the first time in a relationship, that particular behavior will be given a silent stamp-of-approval moving forward in the relationship. For example, if a man you’ve recently starting dating stands you up for a date without any valid explanation or reason, and you continue to date him without fully addressing the issue, you’ve given him an unspoken confirmation that while his lack of respect may have upset you, you’re willing to accept it without consequence.  Many women choose to stay silent and not make an issue of an offensive behavior because they fear losing any aspect of the relationship or the potential for one.  We teach people how to treat us … it’s as simple as that.

Be clear about what you truly want.  A verbal promise of marriage is not that same as the action it takes to marry.  If you choose to cohabitate with your partner it’s fine as long as your cards have been put on the table and it’s a mutually agreed upon arrangement.  Many women erroneously think living together is a natural progression to marriage … it’s not.  It can, in some relationships, lead to marriage but it’s not necessarily a precursor.  Some men are very content living with a woman they may not consider wife material, either legally or emotionally.  It’s a subject women are often afraid to broach, again for fear of losing whatever established relationship exists.  Don’t be.  It’s better to truly understand where you stand, and if where you currently stand is not leading up to where you hope to stand in the future, cut your loss.  Time is a precious commodity once spent, can never be regained.

One woman in the group spoke of her despair over her husband’s relationship with internet pornography.  Internet porn is often not benign and can become a harmful addiction in the same way one experiences substance abuse through drugs, alcohol or prescription pain medication.  What many women (and men) do not understand about internet porn is that it desensitizes one's reaction to sex over time, not enhances it  For example, a person addicted to valium must continue to increase their dosage to experience the same level of reaction to the drug.  It’s the same with internet pornography.  A person engaging with this type of sexual behavior will not be able to experience the same level of gratification they are experiencing at one particular point in time unless they continue to seek more in terms of larger and often diverse quantities. Brain chemistry alters with any behavioral addiction.  Unrealistic, sexualized images of women also contribute to a man’s dissatisfaction with his real flesh-and-blood partner, causing a woman to feel a sting of rejection that wasn’t initially a part of the relationship. If you suspect your partner is addicted to internet pornography, either address the issue or live with the consequences it will impart on your intimate relationship.

We all have a natural desire as human beings to feel loved, to be wanted and to be part of something bigger than ourselves.  It’s when our desire to be part of a couple compromises our core beliefs and values that we’ll be met with heart wrenching frustration.  As Janis Joplin said … “Don’t compromise yourself, you are all you’ve got.”